Geek love: Dating while academic and other misadventures

Most blogs by academics cover the typical “academic” subjects. You know, teaching, tenure, and the like. A few venture into more personal topics like the work/life balance, fears, and failures. But rarely does it ever get too personal. Cause, you know, feelings have very little place in the ivory tower (self-loathing excluded, of course). I’ll admit that my own blog doesn’t venture into the personal very often, but today, I’m going to talk about something to do with academia and personal stuff and feelings.

Dating. 

And not just any type of dating.

Dating while academic.

Shudder.

Cause not only is dating hard enough, but add in a couple of college degrees and things can get really complicated. I’ve looked at other blogs by academics for any mention of dating and found that most other academics are married or in serious, longterm relationships. So I decided that I’ll take one for the team and be the one to write about this subject. So here’s my story of dating while academic. Complications, misadventures, and all.

After living in a small Southern town for a number of years, I’ve noticed the number of eligible bachelors has been dwindling, to say the least. The situation became dire after I recently went back to ex for the second third time. After that fizzled out again, a friend suggested that I try online dating. Had it become so painfully obvious to everyone around me that I needed to meet new men? On second thought, don’t answer that.

At first, I balked. Isn’t online dating for crazy or desperate people? Or for crazy and desperate people? My well-meaning friend gently reminded me that that perhaps it would be better for me if I considered fishing in a different pond rather than continuing to repeatedly dip my toes in the same one. Okay, true. Then she told me it could be a “social experiment.” Why yes, of course! Oh be still, my academic heart. Like a good humanities grad, I’ll do anything in the name of “social research.” My friend sealed the deal when she said, “Maybe you could even write about this in your blog.” It seems she knows me almost too well.

So in the name of social research (and yes, meeting new eligible men too), I embarked on a new adventure. Here’s my observations from my “research” of dating while academic. Like any good research study, I was thrilled, shocked, and well, just plain disturbed by some of my findings.

Most people can’t write. Or maybe it’s because they don’t even try.

If my current career doesn’t work out, I think I’ll become a professional online dating profile writer. Cause it’s bad out there, guys. And I’m not just saying this because I’m used to being critical of other’s writing, but most of the online profiles I encountered were horrendous. And I’m not even blaming the multiple grammatical and structural issues, it’s just that most people couldn’t write about themselves. Most didn’t even try. I saw a lot of ”I don’t know what to write in here. lol.” and “If you really want to know about me, just ask. lol.” Apparently, in online dating, there is a lot of laughing out loud and not a whole lot else. To participate in a medium that relies heavily on written profiles, I thought people would put in more effort. Apparently not.

People wonder or assume the strangest things about academics who date.

Though I consider myself to be relatively normal, to everyone else academics are elusive, wily creatures. Maybe it’s because we rarely come out in the sun or can be found in places other than a classroom or the nearby campus bar, but it made me feel like an endangered animal at a zoo. I bet most people read my profile just out of curiosity. And the questions I got! Most were pretty innocent, like what I majored in and what classes I teach. Others, a little more serious, like “When do you think the higher ed bubble will pop?” But my personal favorite was,”Why are you on here? Couldn’t you just sleep with one of your students?”

Some men have a naughty teacher/librarian fantasy. And they’re not ashamed to tell you about it.

While most men will not properly fill out an online dating profile, they will happily tell you about their hot-for-teacher fantasies. In detail. In long personal messages sent to your inbox. And then they would send you another message a few days later wondering why you haven’t responded to their original message. I’m sorry, I was too busy showering and rinsing my eyeballs that I unwittingly subjected to reading your message. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a good fantasy. But messaging a woman you don’t know the details of said fantasy involving desks, rulers, plaid skirts, and the kama sutra is a bit much. Not so great for the eyes, but it makes for for great fodder for a blog.

New experiences have unintended consequences and happy surprises.

My foray into online dating wasn’t without its bumps (fantasies and crazy questions aside). I got stood up on a date at one of the nicest bars in town. Though the night wasn’t a complete loss as I made friends with the bartender and scored a free drink. Another story didn’t have a happy ending though, like the one who got drunk on our first date, tried to feel me up, and sent me nasty text messages for several hours after I wouldn’t let him. But the funny thing is, trying something new like online dating made me more likely to try other new things too. And because of it, I met someone. Offline. Randomly after I said yes to hanging out with an old friend I’ve been blowing off for a couple months. And this someone wasn’t a man I’ve previously dated or one of my friends having previously dated (a feat when you live in a small Southern town).

As academics, we never know what’s awaiting us outside the ivory tower. Sometimes it’s a pervert with a naughty teacher fantasy. Sometimes it’s no one at all, as you wait impatiently for a date that will never show up. Or sometimes it’s who you’ve been looking for, serendipitously showing up at the time when you weren’t looking at all.

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